Working on hitting the PAUSE button---life in fast forward

I am one of those people who always seems to be living life five minutes, five days, five months from now. I call it living life in fast-forward. Perhaps it comes from being OCD. I plan my life out in front of me. I always have. When I was 16, I had a four-year plan. (Not many sixteen year olds have a four-year plan, by the way.)

Now that I'm thirty-something, I kinda would like to stop being so intentional about the future. I'd like to press the pause button on this fast-forward kind of life that I seem to be living too much. Sure, we need to have life insurance and have a legal will in place, guardians, and those sorts of things done for the future, no doubt. I'm not saying I wish I could be careless with the future.

I just wish I'd quit worrying about it all the time.

It can be simple things such as:

What's for dinner tonight?
Did I get that bill put in the mail?
Are my library books due this Friday or next Monday?
Did I remember to call so-and-so for a playdate?


Or, it can be quite a bit more serious and worrisome:

Do I (still) have a job?
Does my husband (still) have a job?
Will we have enough money for Christmas for the kids?
What if Marcy needs another surgery?
What if the dog needs to be put to sleep...how will the kids deal with it?
What if Cleo can't make straight A's next year since she'll be getting real grades?
What if my kids hate me for going back to work?
What if my husband wants a woman who didn't gain 50 lbs in the last 10 years of marriage?
How on earth will we afford cars X 3?
Insurance X 5?
College for 3 kids?
Do we even still have any money left in our 401(k)?

And on, and on, and on it goes. I wish I wasn't like this. Sure, being so hyper-focused helps me get 99 billion things done each day. People frequently compliment me on how efficient I am. I often hear the "how do you get it all done!" comment from others. I usually smile and say thanks but deep down I'm thinking to myself, "They have no clue how frustrating it is to be like this!"

And so, the point of me writing this blog entry is to tell myself through my own self-imposed writers therapy that I need to SLOW DOWN and be more intentional with my life. Quit worrying about those things. I am only promised here and now. Tomorrow may never arrive, so why worry myself sick about it and the thousand tomorrows after it?

I want to learn to quit being so ahead of myself and slow down in the present. My former blog was named Enjoy the Journey and that was my life theme song. It still is. I know enough about myself to know that I must force myself to enjoy the journey. Remember: in the end, the journey is the destination.

Quick Post

What a wonderful, yet busy holiday weekend. I absolutely love July 4th. It is one of my favorite holidays. Okay, who am I kidding, I love ALL holidays. Seriously. I mean, who doesn't love a reason to eat great food, do special stuff, and celebrate?

I love most everything about Independence Day. I love riding around small-town USA where I live, seeing almost everyone flying their flags. I love going to the pool and watching my kids delight in the biggest splash contest. I love their anticipation of the coin toss and all the fun games of the day. I love going home to take a sun-drunk nap before heading out to fireworks and ice cream. And most of all, I love living in a country that is FREE. I am free to worship (or not). I am free to be a woman, to speak my mind, to be educated, and to vote, among many other rights. It is good to be part of a flawed, yet wonderful country. I wonder why but by the Grace of God was I born here and not somewhere else like North Korea or Iran. Why, indeed, am I so blessed?

So on to other things. We are leaving for the beach in the morning. I am hoping to stay 2 weeks. I originally planned on being gone for the whole month of July, but a few minor appointments and things have come up that really need my attention. We are going to have to have Reece's tonsils/adenoids out before school goes back and I need to take him to the children's hospital for his appointment to get the ball rolling. But I won't complain about 2 weeks at the beach...

Went to church for the THIRD week in a row! Can't believe it. I am loving this new church so much. I am not making any judgements or commitments. We will continue visiting for a good while before we decide ANYTHING about ANYTHING. Some days I still feel like a happy agnostic. (sorry if that is brutally honest, but it is what it is) But I am feeling more and more lately that I am coming out of darkness and back into the Light. What I love about this new church is that it is SO LAID back and welcoming. I do not feel judged at all. Right now I am just blending in with the wallpaper so to speak, and that is just fine by me. I might find my stride again one day. Until then, I am content to worship and soak it in...plus, I don't think they let unconvinced happy agnostics serve. I can use that as a playing card if need be. (kidding, sort of).

Breaking out from the seriousness of life

Sometimes when you are down in the dumps like I've felt the past few days, you just have to choose to breakout, bust through, do whatever it takes to make things feel a little lighter. Today I rounded up the kids in the car and we went to Sonic for milkshakes for lunch.

Milkshakes with cookies, m&m's and such. Not exactly the healthiest of lunches, but it was a relatively cheap, fun way to breakout of my doldrums.

I even let the kids eat in the car. Radical, I am.

In all seriousness, it really bothers me when life feels heavy, weighted-down, serious, and overwhelming. I am normally a pretty peppy girl, and so when I get in one of these moods it really gets me down. Sometimes a good nap helps, sometimes it doesn't. My husband jokes that *other* things help too, and well, sometimes it does and other times it doesn't. I guess these types of moods are an unpredictable part of life.

I'm just trying REALLY hard to push through and come out peppy on the other side.

Getting Rid of THE JUNK In My Life....

Sometimes all a writer can do is to let their words pour forth from the pit of their soul (or stomach, whichever the case may be). So that is what I am doing today. I'm airing my dirty laundry and letting it all hang out, or any other such sayings you want to call it.

For the past two days I have been in an ultra-crabby mood. Mad at the world and not sure why. Angry, frustrated, irritated, and upset. I have wondered what on earth could cause it.

I'm pretty sure I'm NOT depressed over Michael Jackson's death, I know that much. I have a sneaky suspicion it is the lack of routine. I have become so accustomed to our school/work/school/work routine five-days-a-week that now I'm not sure what to do since we're on summer break. The first week we were at the beach, so that felt like vacation. Now that we are home for a few days, we've all been out of sorts. My children crave routine too, and they've been fussy and whiny and that has NOT helped my mood at all, I can promise you that.

I'm also in the midst of a budget crunch. While summer is fun, it can be *too* fun and I'm not working for 2 months. So some days when I hear the whine of "Can we go to McDonalds, Emerald Pointe, the Zoo, Carowinds too?" I just cannot take it. This year, our summer is a whole lot of playing outside, going to the pool (paid for long ago with tax money), and eating peanut butter sandwiches. We're eating the icee pops instead of premium ice cream. What a crime, you know? We're trying to have fun, creatively.

We've also gotten rid of cable/satellite for the summer. And I think my kids had withdrawals for a few days and hence the bad moods. Shows how much "just a little bit of Disney channel" can do to them. I will say that getting rid of cable has been pretty good in a lot of ways---they ARE playing outside more, reading more, and generally not inside as much. But they miss Disney Channel. It comes back when Mommy gets paid again. Until then, it is a bill we can cut.

And we've been dealing with some insurance issues. Always fun.

Add to this the fact that I am trying to simplify my life. I just generally do not have time and energy to invest into people who do not care to have a relationship with me or my family. It is too much work to have a one-sided relationship. I've been trying to clear my home of physical clutter and my mind of mental/spiritual clutter.

I just need to get rid of the junk, and focus on what is important in life. You don't get a do-over.

Living with myself

So I promised more frequent blogging this summer. Here goes a shot:

Let's talk about living with myself these days. You may not think about living with YOURSELF, but I do quite often. I am my best advocate and my worst critic on any given day. I am not sure if that is normal or not, but I am assuming it is rather normal for most of us. I can be my own best friend and my own mortal enemy, all at the same time.

I'm slowly learning how to deal with this obsessive-compulsive-disorder/generalized anxiety disorder. OCD/GAD. I've been this way my whole life, but I've never really been dealing with it. I just always thought I was a highly anxious, busy, perfectionist type of person. If you know me, you know that I am very good at getting things done, highly motivated, and on the ball. Sounds like a compliment, right? Yes, and no. Yes, because having this type of personality does lead to getting much accomplished. No, because it frustrates the hell out of you much of the time.

Since seeing the psychiatrist and therapist and getting on meds I have thought a great deal about my OCD/GAD. Some people I am around are uncomfortable about me even admitting I have these "disorders." I know mental illness is never easy to deal with. I'm okay with it, I think. Most days I am, anyway. Other days I feel like a crazy fish in a very small fishbowl with lots of observers watching me "swim" and seeing what I do and don't do.

So let me tell you a little bit about living with Lindsey and how all of this is related to my OCD/GAD. Maybe this will answer some questions you have about me. Maybe this will be therapeutic for me to write?

1. I worry alot. Alot. Alot-alot. I worry about money, the kids, Marcy's health, my job, my family, etc. Most of my worries are rational and are not crazy things (the world is coming to an end! I am going to die in a car crash! there are deadly germs in my food!) My worries are usually centered around very normal, everyday things. I just worry them to death. Some people who know me (like Chad, my husband) say I worry the sun up every morning and down again at night. My therapist has told me that worrying like this is a compulsion of my OCD. People tend to think of OCD compulsions as people washing hands religiously and checking to see if the stove has been turned off 100 times a day. Yes, that CAN be OCD but it can also be many other things. Anyhow, I worry to have something to-do, and over the course of my life it has become a compulsion I can't seem to turn off and on.

2. I count things. I remember being a kid and looking at a digital clock and adding up the numbers. For instance, 1:35 added up, taking the sum of the digits is 9. I did this ALL the time. I don't think I ever told anyone because I knew this was not right, it was stupid, and I was afraid someone would lock me up. I couldn't glance at a clock without adding the digits up. Sometimes I would even take it a step further and see if the "answer" was a multiple of three or not. I am pretty sure I've never told this to anyone except my husband and therapist (until now). When I would realize how irrational this counting was, I'd force myself to stop, which would put the worrying into overdrive. It's a cycle. The upside to this constant counting is that I'm very, very good at math :) and hey, I'm a math teacher so it helped me out in life, I guess. To this day, I count semi-religiously, but it is much better than when I was a kid. I very rarely count the digits on a clock anymore, in case you care. Once in awhile I catch myself doing it, but most of the time I don't. Instead, now I count my kids. I make sure all 3 of them are with me in the car, in the house, etc. When one of them is outside playing and 2 are in the house I sometimes freak out in my mind because I forget one of them is not in the house (does that make sense?) As a teacher, I mentally count my students over and over and over again in my head while they are working. This is something I just *do* without even thinking about. When I do think about it, I try to stop, but there again, the cycle lies within. I feel dumb and stupid for even doing it. Right now I feel ridiculous for even posting this, but I want people to know what I am dealing with.

3. "That feeling that something is wrong." I get this alot. I get a feeling in my stomach that I am forgetting to do something, or forgetting about something, or forgetting to make a phone call, pay a bill etc. This is similar to worrying, but it is an un-named worry, I guess. I just know something is undone and I need to figure out WHAT it is and then tackle it. Sometimes I will snuggle up to Chad (god bless this man!) and say "honey, I'm worrying about something and I don't even know what it is!!!" He always comforts me and usually it goes away or I figure it out.

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So, what are you doing about it?

1. Medication. Yes, I take prozac. (might want to cut the prozac jokes, you never know who is and is not taking it!). I have found it it to be VERY helpful. I do not have side effects. The only thing I might have is a little less energy and less appetite. But for the most part, prozac has been a god send for me. It bothers some people in my life that I need to take it. But I am okay with it, so they should be too. The question I get often is, "What if you have to take it forever?" My answer to that is becoming, "so what if I do? If it works, hey...." You wouldn't tell someone to stop taking blood pressure medication, heart medicine or chemo or whatever, right? Well, mental illness isn't really different. My brain has a chemical imbalance and prozac fixes it pretty good!

2. Therapy. I see a therapist. Not often, but often enough, if that makes sense. She has given me techniques like mindfulness (focusing on one thing, one worry at a time, for instance) and meditation. I like her. I think finding a good therapist is like finding a good friend or date. You need to try a few out first.

I'm sure I'll write more about this stuff later. I hope it hasn't made any of you too uncomfortable to hear about my craziness. :)

Summer Vacation and I feel like blawgin' again

I looked at the last post and realized it has been 3 months since I updated this blog. It is proof positive that I really cannot work full time, mommy & wife full time, facebook, read my favorite books, garden, AND blog all at the same time.

So since work is on summer hiatus (hallelujah and amen....can I get an amen from the teachers in the audience?) I figure I will try to blog more frequently this summer. I am still doing some freelance writing jobs on the side and that keeps my writing muscles semi-sharp. However, blogging was what I really enjoyed. Too bad my husband fired me from my stay-at-home gig, or I would have kept blogging at Enjoy the Journey longer.

So let's see what has happened since that post 3 months ago:

1. The potatoes I mentioned planting on that day have now grown, matured, and we are eating on them daily. I go out to my potato box (yep, a box) and I dig down deep and pull up a few 'taters. They are, honestly, the BEST baby red potatoes I've ever eaten. I swear you do not realize how food flavor DIES over time when it is hauled from farm to factory to grocery store cross country. Picking them at your back door, washing them, and then cooking them up is a mystery to behold. One of the greatest simple pleasures of life really.

2. Simplify.... I'm still trying to simplify in '09. It has been my mantra all year and I'm going for it full gusto. I'm giving away things we don't need or use and I'm not sweating ebay. I'd rather GIVE it away. We've been so blessed to have others give us things, so why not?

3. Simple pleasures...I am trying to find the beauty in the everyday, ordinary things. A cool shower after a long day in the yard. Snuggling 5 extra minutes with my husband before we snooze off. Playing monopoly with my 8 year old even though I HATE that game (she loves it). Used book sales. Watching butterflies. Sipping mimosas on Saturday mornings. Watching my birds at the feeder.

4. I have been officially diagnosed with OCD and GAD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, if you're not into psychotic lingo. Was a relief to me, but not necessarily to some of my family. Some of them still don't understand WHY I need to take prozac to feel happy and calm. I just do. My brain is wired wrong. And for those of you who think about OCD and think it is where people wash their hands all day long and check the lights over and over you've watched one too many Datelines or 20/20 or movies. It CAN be like that, but not always. I have a mild case. My whole life I have been a ridiculous, frustrated perfectionist. I thought I was this way because my dad is this way. The older I got the harder it got to deal with. My "obsessions" are counting things, looking for patterns in numbers (gee, I became a math teacher? how odd?) and worrying. Yes, worrying can be a compulsion when you start worrying about NOTHING just because your mind needs something to worry about. I was a little ashamed at first, but now I'm out to change the face of OCD/GAD. I am a normal mom, school teacher, friend. Yes, I take prozac. I joke about being crazy, but honestly I am very, very normal. I just have a messed up brain. I will probably blog about this more later.

5. Jesus. I have struggled for about 2 years with religion and church. When we were homeschooling, I was on the very-conservative side of things. Too conservative. I was killing myself trying to keep up with the standard. So I gave up. And then somehow lost my religion. I lost Jesus. He didn't lose me...any good Baptist will tell you that. And I know that. I'm slowly on my way to finding Him again. We went to a new church today which I loved. Very laid back and contemporary. Non-judgemental. Not a social club or a place to flaunt your new beach condo or your new set of boobs to everyone (yes, Virginia, this happens at church more than you'd like to admit).

6. Speaking of homeschool and school---we made it through this year! I was really worried about the kids transitioning from me being home full time and homeschool to the (dreaded!) public school. Guess what? THEY ALL THREE LOVED IT. Well, Reece didn't like getting up early and most days it was a battle but once he got there, he loved it. The girls blossomed and did awesome. I felt comfortable with 95% of their year. Education-wise it was great. The only issues I had were with things from other students I didn't feel were appropriate. As a former homeschooling mom and still a huge homeschool advocate, I have a hard time giving up the control of their education when they are in the school doors from 8-3.

So much more to write, but I need to tuck the kids in bed. I'll try to be more frequent this summer. :)

Rome wasn't built in a day, you know

I have to keep reminding myself over, and over, and over that it took my parents YEARS and YEARS of hard work, sweat, and tears to build what they have today. We moved into our new house in April of 2008. We've been here almost a year. I have done quite well unpacking, decorating, painting (new, but not exactly how we wanted it when purchased) and getting the house to feel like a home. Not just any home, but OUR home.

Then comes the yard. Gawd Almighty I hate red Carolina clay. It is hard packed and impossible to shovel sometimes, even when soaking wet. At our old house, I had spent 8 years working the soil, adding fertilizer, manure, and organic compost. It was just about perfect for flower planting. And...it took eight years to get it to that point.

I don't want to wait eight years to have my Better Homes & Gardens Yard. I really want it NOW.

This weekend we spent it almost entirely outdoors during the daylight hours. We planted things to eat: red potatoes, leeks, red lettuce, romaine lettuce, cilantro, and a few more chive plants.

We planted decorative things: a Carolina Jasmine to creep up the side of the house, a forsythia, double knock out roses, phlox, and I started my wildflower garden to attract the hummingbirds (I am nuts for bird watching, told you I was a geek).

We did maintenance: hauled rocks, more rocks, and even more rocks. I'm pretty sure our back acre will never quit producing rocks. (there's a reason they call this area "Old Mountain"!!!!) The rocks make beautiful and free flowerbed borders, but it is such hard work.

We did more maintenance: pulled weeds, put out pine needles, finished a natural area, put out fertilizer, put up a trellis, burned huge limbs from the back woods that needed to be dealt with, washed out the garage.

I'm sure we did more, but I am so tired I can't remember. And just think, in a few weeks it will be time to put the garden in!