A check-in

I just finished writing my bi-monthly column for The Voice magazine. Surprisingly I still feel the need to write, so I thought I might come here to my blog and give you an update/brain dump sort of post.

I've recently (like, just today) started The Mood Cure diet. I'm doing my own variation of it. Basically it is an eating plan that helps people like me who are prone to depression/anxiety/general craziness balance and manage our emotions with our diet. Think: lots of protein, NO refined sugars, very little carbs. Lots of veggies and fruits (raw of course) and some meat. No processed foods, no sugars (drat!) and you guessed it, no alcohol. I should cut caffeine too, but I can't give up my morning coffee just yet. I plan to transition to decaf in time, but for now, sugar is the vice I'm trying to give up. Supposedly dumping sugar will make my serotonin soar and I will feel a lot better. And, I should lose 10-20 pounds to boot, so that's a nice side effect that I could certainly use.

I'm trying very hard to keep moving forward now that I am OFF medication. I am happier off my meds. Prozac and ativan made me sleepy, sedated, and I generally felt a dull/numb sort of sadness 24/7. Now that the meds are out of my system, I am laughing again and I find humor again, which is a wonderful thing indeed. I've also felt like I have more energy; another good thing. I've always had really crazy, wild dreams, but prozac made them a great deal worse. The dreams, while fun at times, can be quite intense and I'm happy to report they've subsided as well since going off my meds.

But lest you be fooled, it isn't all sunshine and roses. I have my moments as well. My frustration level is definitely lower---little things are setting me off again and I find myself anxious for no real reason again. It isn't crippling most of the time, but it isn't pleasant either. I'm trying to pray, breathe, and talk myself off the ledge when I have these moments. Journaling, like I'm doing right now really tend to help me as well.

I still feel sad more than I should. For instance, this weekend Chad and I were at Cracker Barrel with the kids, and I just started crying at the table. I had my reasons, but really.....do I need to cry in the middle of Cracker Barrel? It wasn't like someone had died...it was just a general sadness that had been building for a few days, exacerbated by the holiday stress of Thanksgiving, and whamo----I'm crying! Sometimes the tears are so intense that I can't seem to stop the flow of them with just my willpower. That will take some work. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and it is difficult to turn them off when it is an inconvenient time.

I'm also trying very hard to identify the stressors in my life. Right now, my job is very stressful. Anyone who thinks teachers only work til 3:15 and have their summers off need their heads examined. My job is a huge source of stress for me. I enjoy TEACHING. I just don't enjoy all the paperwork, meetings, and other general "BS" that goes with the job. If I could just shut my door and do my thing, my students and I both would be all the better for it. But that isn't public education. There is always some new program or guru that has something they want to teach sell us.

I am streamlining my life and circling the wagons so to speak. If it isn't something that is drastically important to me, my husband, or my kids, it is OUT, OUT, OUT OUT OUT! I don't have time for unnecessary interruptions and stresses in my life. Does this mean I hole up in my house and never go anywhere or do anything? Hell no. I'm as busy as everyone else. Too busy...hence my reason to try and streamline. I am trying to limit our outside activities. The kids don't need added stress and fourteen afterschool activities. My budget can't handle a thousand lessons either. So we let the kids pick one thing at a time. Anything above that has to be pre-approved by the whole family or it has to be something we do together, like church. (which, by the way is a whole 'nother post---my AWESOME church Daystar Christian Fellowship in Greensboro is helping me heal too!)

I've thought about minimalizing other things in my life, including facebook. How many friends do you need anyway? Why keep people on who never comment nor care about my life? I'm decluttering as always at home. I don't need unnecessary clutter around me. It's just more to clean and dust, right? Simplify, simplify, simplify.

Again, I struggle with how much to share about all of this. There are people in my life who are insanely private people and they just don't feel comfortable with my level of sharing. But, it is who I am. I've always been a public kind of person when it comes to stuff like this. I figure, why hide it? Maybe I can help someone else. My only fear is that someone will label me and put me in a box that fits nicely on their shelf somewhere---you know, the "crazy" box.

Gotta go help Cleo write her report on India for school. I'll leave you with this brain dump, until next time.

50 Things that bring me JOY

In honor of Thanksgiving ahead, many of my fellow writers/bloggers/friends are doing a gratitude journal each day. I don't have time or energy to write daily so I thought I'd condense mine into one post. I also have decided to think about things that make me happy instead of things I am "thankful" for. You know me, always gotta change the game midstream! So, dear reader, I give you....

50 things that bring me joy

1. my husband and children, and 90% of my family :)
2. hot bubble baths, especially with the jets on
3. turkey on Thanksgiving
4. warm soup on a cold night
5. my collection of silver bells that my grandparents have given me; one every Christmas since I was born
6. good books
7. NPR talk radio
8. Mimosas & fresh-made omelets on Sunday morning
9. pajama days
10. Fresh, clean sheets

11. reading friends blogs
12. candles
13. freshly brewed coffee
14. the sound of my children's laughter
15. rainy days spent inside reading and playing games
16. watching my children learn something new
17. putting my toes in the sand at the beach
18. watching the sunset; and the occasional sunrise
19. sleeping in....
20. taking my grandma to Duke ballgames

21. visiting with old friends
22. margaritas with warmed chips & salsa
23. working in my garden
24. watching the birds at my bird feeders, especially the cardinals
25. snow
26. massages & back rubs (especially those given by my wonderful husband)
27. a new pair of jeans that fit just right
28. praise & worship music at church...and I like it LOUD!
29. looking at old photos
30. learning about my ancestors long gone

31. reading my favorite novel over and over again
32. Anne of Green Gables
33. reruns of Little House on the Prairie
34. decorating the house for all the holidays; year round
35. payday
36. having enough money to pay all the bills on payday :)
37. watching my kids play tee-ball
38. watching fireworks
39. swimming
40. a good martini

41. girls night out!
42. a new pair of pajamas
43. helping someone in need
44. new school supplies! Nothing says JOY like expo markers!
45. writing...well, most of the time
46. seeing the light bulb go off in my student's brain when they finally master something new
47. My nativity that came from Israel
48. snuggling on the couch, watching football with Chad
49. my 2-3 close friends who know EVERYTHING about me
50. making lists

I've been thinking...

I took a mini-vacation, a digital hiatus of sorts for a few days. It was good for my mind and my soul and my marriage. I needed to quiet out the sounds of the world and hone in on the sounds that matter most to me...the sounds of my family and very close friends.

The past few months have been tough on many levels; I have shared often here about my struggles and I'm not about to rehash them again. Let's just say I'm in the moving forward phase of things.

You know that little saying, God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change....that's sort of what I'm dealing with now, personally.

I have lots of circumstances that I can do absolutely NOTHING about. I have no control in the situations and therefore, all I can do is stand. Stand firm. Stand faithful. Stand waiting and expecting that God can and will do big things.

But in the meantime, standing is difficult.

I will be sharing more about these decisions in the days to come. I plan on writing more here at my blog (some of you are reading this on my facebook through my notes, I have the two interlinked) in the days and weeks to come.

But I did want to quickly post something to let you know why I took a mini-vacation and let you know that I'm back, renewed, and with a sense of purpose and calling for the days ahead. Someone told me recently I have great influence on people (to which I laughed....) and that I should use that influence for good and to point others on the path in the right direction. There's nothing like being told "hey, use those powers of influence for good and not evil!" It will certainly make you think.

Good night sweet friends. I'm off to bed to snuggle up to the man I choose to love deeply and freely. It isn't always easy, but it is always worth the risk and the work.

Compartmentalizing my life

I'm trying to compartmentalize my life a little bit better. I'm not sure if this is a good strategy or not. My brain is rather fuzzy today, being Monday and all, but here is what I'm thinking in a nutshell:

Work is work, and home is home. And rarely shall the two meet.

I have got to stop worrying about one when I'm at the other. On days like today, when I'm home sick with a UTI I worry about missing work. I worry about the nasty co-worker who thinks I just wanted Monday off. I worry about my students having a sub AGAIN. I worry about how far behind I'm falling with my plans (in actuality, I am ahead of or on par with everyone else on my subject/grade level so I should quit worrying about that). I worry about people thinking I'm taking advantage of my sick days. I worry, worry, worry.

When I drag myself to work sick, I stay there thinking I should be home, taking care of myself. So, in essence, it is a lose-lose situation for me and the battle I rage in my mind. It is never, ever, easy for me in that respect.

So when I say I am learning to compartmentalize I mean this: I am trying to do my work-tasks at school and leave them there. I do not bring home piles of papers to grade regularly. I do when absolutely needed, but most days I try to "clock out" and come home and leave work at work. This isn't always able to happen, being in education. I have to check my email from home each night because undoubtedly there is something I need to address. But beyond that, I try to keep it minimal.

The converse is also true. When at work, I must work. I love to talk and socialize during my planning period but I am trying harder to use my time at school for SCHOOL so that I do not take a ton of work home. This means that my coworkers are probably thinking I'm less social than before. I don't mean to be, and I'm not "mad" at anyone. I'm just trying to do what I can when I can so that I can go home and be mommy to 3 and wife to one. :)

It is a constant effort to try and compartmentalize, but it helps me keep on top of things and feel a little more confident in fulfilling my roles. I've learned quickly I cannot be everything to everybody and there is no sense in trying to do so anymore!

An Update on my Crazy

It's pouring rain outside and I'm home on the couch, sitting in my pajamas and listening to Enya. That's probably proof enough I've had a sorry kind of day. In fact I did have a bad day, and I feel like throwing myself a pity party. Enya is the way to go when you need really sad, introspective music. If only I had some chocolate on hand...

As it goes, I often write when I am down or depressed. So I cranked up the coffee pot and the keyboard. I figure it is time to fill y'all in on my latest battle with being crazy. About three weeks ago, I stopped taking my meds. Yep, I quit the prozac and lorazepam and decided I needed to feel real feelings again besides just being either numb or quasi-sad all the time. For the most part, it has been successful. I have sought out help while I came off the meds, and I've done well. No shakes, no suicidal thoughts, nothing like that. In fact, I've had more energy, cried less, and felt pretty good. In the last month my stepmom's mother died, my stepdad had a stroke, and all 3 of my kids have had H1N1. If that didn't make me go over the edge without prozac, I figure I'm good to go for life.

But I still have bad days. Like today.

My husband, my mother, my best friend, and 2 of my coworkers were the only ones I told about quitting the meds when I decided to do it. One, I wanted SOMEONE to know just in case I had those side effects they talked about---you know, threatening to throw yourself in front of a bus and all. Two, I wanted their honest opinion on how I was doing. Everyone has been cheer leading me and telling me how great I'm doing and how they notice a positive difference. I've been quite proud.

Until today, when I got my block knocked off at work.

A fellow co-worker who DID NOT know I was off my meds, asked me if I was on or off. I just blankly stared at her, because quite frankly it isn't her business. (by the way, she's not my biggest fan at work anyway) She commenced to give me a 10 minute lecture on how she needed me to be on my meds because when I wasn't I was stressing her out. See, my OCD makes me go into hyper drive. I become very organized and on top of things more than usual. She thinks I'm trying to make her look bad. Quite honestly, she doesn't need help making herself look bad...but that's another story for another day.

She wanted me to react. She wanted me to cry and scream and get angry. I just looked at her and said Thanks for telling me how you feel. I appreciate it. And I walked away. Which just made her all the angrier---she WANTED me to cry and pitch a fit.

Drama. I cannot handle it! With my kids being sick, I feel like I should be home when I'm at work and at work when I am at home. I've admittedly got a great deal on my plate right now and I am stressed out. I have so much on my mind. I really miss my days being a carefree stay at home mom. I want to home educate again very badly...and I am still mourning the loss of that part of my life.

I have a feeling I will be mourning for a long time. I am at least at a point where I can admit that I am grieving the loss of my former life. I have flirted with idea of quitting my job and doing something else to make homeschool work again, but honestly I cannot right now. I need the stability of my job/income and as much as I want to go back, it is a want and not a "need."

I guess I'm going to hole up in my room at school and tune everyone out. I am very outgoing but when the rubber hits the road, I am actually pretty introverted. I especially hate knowing other people are talking about me around the lunch table. Oh well...was I so dumb to think everyone liked me?

So that's how things are looking on this side of crazy. Off meds and doing well every where but at work. Sigh. Life really is a journey. Some days the road feels longer than on other days.

So, when does the merry-go-round come to a stop?

It's been about 14 months since I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and mild depression. I know I talk about this alot, and it makes some of you uncomfortable. I apologize in advance, honest to God I do. I just need to talk about this for some reason. A few people have privately contacted me and thanked me for being honest. Mental illness is quite taboo, even still in today's accept-me-as-I-am culture. It becomes even more taboo when you're a mom and a teacher and those sorts of things...people just don't expect you to be depressed or anxious when you're supposed to have it all together.

Let's talk about the last month. At the beginning of September I was scared to death I was headed for a major crash. I really had a difficult time getting back into the routines of work and school after having the summer off (yeah, I hear some of you making fun of me here since you work year round). I had some other personal stuff happen at the same time and I was crashing big time. In fact, I was worried I would end up in a mental ward or something; I had never felt that out of control.

And then things slowly got better. Uptick. Swing. Feeling better.

And today I was driving down the road and for no reason at all, I began to cry. I was crying because I was sad, and I am tired of being sad. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of anxiety. I am tired of depression. I am tired of wondering when this will be over and I will be the "old Lindsey" again. I'm tired of people I love asking me when the "old Lindsey" is coming back because I feel guilty I can't channel her for myself and them too. I am tired of being tired.

A coworker this week pulled me aside and asked, Are you okay? I explained I was fine. She said she read my facebook and she thought maybe I was just putting on a brave face at work. And instead of lying I told her that yes, I was putting on a brave face and it was taking tremendous effort on my part everyday to do so. She was so kind and sincere and I appreciated it so much. I wish more people would be this way.

So back to my in-car crying spell today. I don't know what triggered it. I was thinking of my Dad and how he and my stepmom are really having a difficult time right now. They are taking care of my stepmom's mother in her final days and it is exhausting on many levels. I started thinking about how fleeting life really is, and that in the end, we die.

I am a Christian, and I know heaven awaits me. However, I'm not really wanting to go there anytime soon. But I am also not wanting to live sad and depressed.

I just want someone to tell me when the merry-go-round of feelings stops and I can get off and get back to living my life.

Been a month since I wrote a post. Sigh.

This morning I was getting ready for work and while watching the morning news I saw a commercial for Cymbalta, a depression medication. The sad, sad music is playing in the background and the voice-over goes a little like this: Do you feel sad? Do you cry? Feel like you can't get enough sleep? Do you avoid going places? Do you avoid doing anything? Do you avoid everyone around you?

My mind tunes in. Yes.
Yes, voice-over, yes....yes, I do.

I don't take Cymbalta. I take Prozac. For anxiety, OCD, and what now seems mild depression. In case you haven't noticed, I talk about my struggles openly, which makes some people happy to see my "courage" and other people it just plain scares them that I admit to my craziness. I figure, why lie about it? Might as well try to help someone out there. Or, at least be real and honest and forget being fake. It takes too much energy to be fake.

Anyhow, back to what this has to do with the stupid commercial at 5:30 am. First of all, anyone who has to get up and get ready for work that early in the morning has GOOD REASON to be depressed. Enough said.

Second, I need to talk about this stuff going on in my brain. I need to get it out there, to see it, to read it, to process it. I am not happy. I have good days and bad days. Unfortunately the bad days outnumber the good about 3 to 1 right now. Used to be the other way around; something has flipped it, and I'm not sure what that something is called. I think about it all the time and I cannot put a distinct label on it yet.

I'm happy at home with the kids. My family makes me deliriously happy 99% of the time. And I am happy on weekends. Hell, I feel like I am LIVING for the weekends and payday and little else. Does that mean I don't like my job? No. I actually do most days. I just miss my kids an awful lot. I miss my years of homeschooling and being involved. I feel so far removed from the most of the day. I know they are in very good, wonderful hands at their school. But being apart 8 hours a day is so tough on my soul. I guess had I never homeschooled I wouldn't realize this? I don't know. I miss the control I used to have over house, home, kids, and so on. One of my coworkers tells me I'm a control freak and I need to get over it. I've tried---can't do it. So I keep controlling what I can and freaking out about what I can't. :)

I wish I loved my job and thought it was the calling God gave me. I don't. Right now it is a paycheck that I enjoy most days. I really love the kids I teach. They are awesome. I really love my coworkers for the most part; they are supportive and good folks to be with. I just don't know if I am cut out to stay in education forever. I would really like to be able to go back to my days at home and freelance again. It just doesn't pay the bills. We need steady income now. Teaching is something I am good at and it is steady---for now.

Maybe I'm getting older and more cynical but I seem to be learning that most people really don't care about you. Most folks care about themselves and what rocks their little boat in the ocean. If you don't make a ripple on their radar, you're not worth their time. I'm including myself here...I used to have alot of faith in people. I don't anymore.

I have finally gotten to a point where I am okay with God/Jesus/Organized Religion/Worship again. I went through a long, difficult period where I started feeling like maybe I had it all wrong and I could just become a happy agnostic and let my religion go. But the guilt I felt over those feelings told me it wasn't really how I felt. We've recently begun attending a new-to-us church and we love it. It is a non-judgemental atmosphere where I feel like I can be me. I don't have to put on airs and fake happiness. I can be mentally broken Lindsey, and God still loves me. I don't have to dress up and compete with others at church. I can just be. Isn't that what God intended anyway?

So I am healing in some ways, but not in others. I am scared to death that this is going to be a life-long struggle I am never going to get over. I feel so broken most days. Everyone tells me to give my broken pieces to Jesus, and while that sounds so easy and lovely, it is very hard to do practically. I pray. I weep. I cry out. I find answers, but they come in snippets and they don't come as often as I'd like.

I just wish I could fix my mind and be the old Lindsey again. Someone please find her and send her back to me.